This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
