I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
