I'm lost and stupid without you.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
