You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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