When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
