some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize