Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
