Porn is love you can see.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
