I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
