This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
