I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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