Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
