god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
