I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
