Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
