Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
