ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
