I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
