Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
