It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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