Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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