So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
