I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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