You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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