I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
