My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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