Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Couch. On fire.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
