I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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