I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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