i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
