I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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