she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
