Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
