Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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