pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
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She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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