I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
