He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
