i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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