You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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