Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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