4 words: hood of his car
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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