dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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