i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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