Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
