he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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