Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
