Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
