Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
