She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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