I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
