smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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