fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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