I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
