woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
