Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
