apparently the secret to your success is patron
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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