My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
