I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My liver just broke up with me...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
