i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
